An Ontario Court has ruled that a man who had unprotected sex after agreeing to wear a condom committed sexual assault because his behaviour invalidated his sexual partner’s consent.
This is a win for Canada and a win for consent culture!
Sex is a leading reason why relationships fail.
Why?
Because you don’t know what you’re doing.
But why would you?
Did you take a course? Did you join a program? Do you have a master’s degree in sexuality? If you’re like most, probably not. And even if you did, no amount of formal training would negate the fundamental truth that every body is completely different.
The only way to truly master the art of sex is to set aside your ego, clear the slate and communicate openly with your partner.
But that’s not as easy as it sounds. Asking questions is admitting that you don’t know the answers. But here’s a newsflash…neither does anyone else.
Because we’re all different. And what works for one may not work for many.
But what if I told you that mastering the art of sex is just like learning how to swim?
You have an expert coach and mentor on deck. That’s your partner. You can ask your coach any question about swimming because they are the SME (subject matter expert). After hearing the lesson, you dip a toe in the pool. Try treading water. You learn the dog paddle. Maybe you make a few mistakes along the way. But you keep asking questions. And before you know it, you’ve entered a swim meet, you’re doing the butterfly and your coach is loudly cheering you on as you expertly cross the finish line wet, glistening and out of breath.
And, regardless of who is the coach and who is the student, you both have an important role to play. You are equally responsible for achieving a positive outcome. And you should both practice playing each role.
As the student, you must let go of your ego and embrace your fears. Accept that you don’t know how to swim and listen to your coach. Otherwise, your EGO will get the best of you and you’ll either avoid swimming altogether or you’ll jump right into the deep end and look like a flailing, sputtering, drowned rat. Once you’ve truly embraced that you don’t know what you’re doing because every body is different, you’re ready for your first lesson. It starts with an ask. What do you like? What feels good? How would you like me to do that?
Ask. Listen. Practice. Repeat.
Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.
And as the coach, you are responsible for designing the lesson plan (like a desire map) and communicating it in an honest and loving way. You could provide feedback like “I love it when you…”, or “I appreciate that you do……………. but it just isn’t for me”, or “I was reading about…”.
Create safe space
Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.
The sooner we can embrace that we don’t know what we’re doing, the sooner we will become better lovers, better partners and better friends.
And in the words of one of my favorite authors, Esther Perel, consider this… “The myth that sex is natural has done harm to so many people because it presumes that you should just know rather than the fact that it is something that we learn to appreciate…to experience…we cultivate it. It’s an art. And if we think it should just happen naturally…then we remain ignorant.” ~ Perel, Esther “I’ve had better” Where Should We Begin (podcast) https://www.estherperel.com/podcast
Photo by Moises Solorzano on Pexels.com
Just watched an incredibly powerful TEDX as Juno Mac makes a case for the decriminalization of sex work.
In just under 18 minutes, she nailed it! Well done and worth the share.
Tonight, while watching the National News, I almost fell off my chair when they featured a segment exploring the legal rights of consenting adults in polyamorous relationships. The segment acknowledged that “at some point we’re going to have a charter challenge much like we saw in 2003 with same-sex marriage.”
This alone is cause for celebration. You know times are changing and attitudes are changing too when one of Canada’s most respected national news programs presents a segment on the legal rights of polyamorous adults in a non-sensationalized, insightful manner.
The time for a utopian future that positively acknowledges relationships beyond monogamy is nigh!
For the full article, visit: http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/polyamorous-families-legal-challenges-1.3758621
The 9” Real Feel Deluxe Vibrating Dildo by Pipedream is a great toy for more experienced couples looking to mix things up or for a new angle on multi-partner play!
Compared to any other dildo in my tickle trunk, this one is by far the most realistic. But at 
9” in length and 2” in diameter, it’s a BEAST which means that I would recommend this one for more experienced players. If you are new to multi-partner play and strap-ons, or you’re just starting to experiment with some pegging play, the REAL Feel Deluxe will be about as intimidating as an Amazonian Anaconda. But once you get a few strokes under your belt, this makes for a great upgrade that can be a lot of fun!
I just happen to be one of those girls that likes a little role reversal. I’ve used lots of dildos in my day on girls that like girls, bi guys, and guys that just want to try a little prostate massage, but to be clear, never on my current boyfriend who will appreciate me clarifying that “no, this will never penetrate his virgin hole”.
So why do I like the REAL dildo?
Well…for starters…it vibrates. Anything that goes buzz in the night gets an extra gold star in my book. Vibrations generally equal more pleasure which equals more fun for him and her.
It has a suction cup base that attaches to almost any smooth surface. Position it at the perfect height to suit your mood and thrust your way to a mind-blowing orgasm while your hands are free to play with you or your partner.
It’s completely waterproof so you and your partner can enjoy wet and wild play in the tub, the shower, the hot tub and more.
It is strap-on compatible so you can use it in a plethora of pleasure plays (that’s my “triple P”). If he’s into pegging, put it in a harness for hands free penetration. If you just happen to find yourself in a threesome (either FMF or MFM) or foursome, well…let’s just say that this toy can be fun for everyone!
It mimics the softness of real skin and has a lifelike appearance with a pronounced head and veins leading to a more pleasurable, realistic ride.
Overall, this is a great couple’s toy and not much needs improving but I’m a huge advocate for safe sex so here’s my plug…
Safety first! If you plan to share your toy between partners, put a condom on it. This toy is porous which means that bacteria can find a way to grow. I ALWAYS sleeve my toys and this one is no exception.
Secondly, although the REAL Feel Deluxe claims to be phthalate-free, like many adult toys, it is also advertised as “sold as a novelty only” which means it lacks regulatory accountability.
For more information on this, check out this article – The Safety Dance: Sex Toy Safety in a New Generation.
Putting a condom on your toy will not minimize its pleasure. Just be sure to pick up a package of extra large because this bad boy is a beast.
Enjoy the toy!
Eve
Founder of Club Eden a Fantasy Club for Couples
and Sex Get Over It (Blog)
I’m so excited….I learned about something new today – the Female G-spot enhancement procedure, otherwise known as the “Gshot”. The “Gshot” is a simple procedure whereby a collagen shot is introduced into the G-spot to enlarge it to the size of a quarter. The supposed result is increased sensitivity and heightened sexual pleasure. As part of my ongoing pursuit of achieving maximum orgasmic pleasure, this is now on my bucket list.
Has anyone had this done? Can anyone recommend a doctor that can do this in Vancouver? Perhaps someone knows a doc that would be willing to do a complimentary procedure on me and I will document/blog about the results. I will happily donate my girlie parts to this scientific study and will then report back to the community…really…pick me!
Watch a video on the procedure here.
Today, I attended a Consent Workshop by The Consent Crew. There were some interesting discussions amongst the attendees and organizers about some great topics. I want to reiterate some of the points that I feel are most relevant based on my experiences over the past two decades.
IT’S OK TO SAY NO
How many of you are guilty of trying to giggle your way out of an uncomfortable situation just to be polite? And how many of you have compromised your own boundaries just to wake up the next morning filled with regret? Western cultural values have taught us to be excessively polite, but that shouldn’t be at the cost of your own personal boundaries. If somebody is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to say no. And, although you don’t have to justify your reason for saying no, saying it in a way that is polite and respectful will go a long way towards diffusing what could become a confrontational situation over hurt feelings. Here are some of my favourite ways to say no:
IT’S OK TO HEAR NO
When you hear no, you may feel hurt, rejected and generally bad. Why? Because our culture has taught us that “no” is a bad word when in reality, “no” is just somebody’s way of expressing their own personal boundaries. Usually, the no you are hearing has very little to do with you and everything to do with the person saying it. Perhaps they are there for a different reason than you. Maybe the timing is just off. Or, it could be as simple as they like blonds, and you’re a brunette. Whatever the reason, remind yourself…“getting a no is no big deal”. Here are some of my favorite ways to respond gracefully to “no”:
GET CONSENT
Obvious right? Easier said than done. Consent is complicated. Often, expectations surrounding consent are firmly rooted in cultural values, gender values, family values, or even the environment we are in at the time. At Club Eden, the expectations are framed by the use of signage, marketing, and agreements. This is a great foundation for consent. But even with all of this, there is still room for interpretation based on an individual’s unique perspective formed over the course of a lifetime. This is why it is also important to say no when you feel like your personal boundaries are being compromised. In my experience, most people want to do the right thing and DON’T want to maliciously or deliberately compromise your boundaries. They just don’t realize they are doing it. Here is one of my favorite personal stories to reflect how cultural expectations can create a misalignment between boundaries:
While working in an office environment, one of the long term vendors and friends of the owner approached me saying “it’s nice to finally meet you”. He then stepped in and gave me a hug and then a kiss on my left and right cheek. My background is British and back then, I was a bit of a cold fish. His background is South American and to not step in with a light hug and kiss on the cheeks would be considered an insult. He didn’t get my consent but conversely, because of his cultural values, he didn’t think he had to. This illustrates a great example of how easily consent boundaries can be accidentally crossed.
When at Eden, remember these four points to help you navigate consent:
When attending other sex positive events remember to familiarize yourself with their unique framework.
I hope this article helps you find your voice for consent. Play safe, have fun and respect your own boundaries and the boundaries of others.
Eve, Founder of Club Eden and Co-author of Sex Get Over It
Victoria is once again Canada’s most romantic city, and perhaps its kinkiest https://shar.es/1CWbc6 via @sharethis
Flare Magazine…you have been caught with your pants down and I like it.
While waiting to see my hairstylist, I spotted your February, 2016 edition of Flare Magazine boldly advertising “The LOVE & SEX ISSUE”. Out of bored curiosity, I flipped to page 84 expecting to find typical stories like “What to buy your lover for Valentine’s”, or “How to turn up the heat this Valentine’s with chocolate, satin sheets and erotic massage”.
Instead, you had your eyes wide open covering 50 shades of SEX with stories about pegging (girls with strap-ons doing boys), cock and ball torture, and “Diary of a Poly Girl – a week in the life of my three-way relationship”.
One of your readers, soon to be ex I’m guessing, commented on your “pegging perversion” citing “Again, disgusting material. I bet he goes gay after he finds out how good pegging feels…”. Well Melanie, if you don’t like it, don’t read it? And if you prefer to limit your intimate encounters to strictly bedroom basics then I say…whatever floats your boat. But for those of us that wish to move beyond the missionary, what gives you the right to judge?
Flare Magazine, I applaud you for having the courage to publish articles on sexuality that most are too uncomfortable to talk about. Proof that we are entering an era of acceptance and tolerance where piano legs no longer need to be covered, we can serve chicken legs to our dinner guests and yes, women do actually like sex.
Thank you flare magazine!
And to my readers…please support Flare Magazine’s style by reading some of these articles…
Diary of a Polyamorous Relationship
Six Women Confess Their Secret Kinks
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