Sex is a leading reason why relationships fail.
Because you don’t know what you’re doing.
But why would you?
Did you take a course? Did you join a program? Do you have a master’s degree in sexuality? If you’re like most, probably not. And even if you did, no amount of formal training would negate the fundamental truth that every body is completely different.
The only way to truly master the art of sex is to set aside your ego, clear the slate and communicate openly with your partner.
- Ask questions.
- Listen Intently without Ego.
But that’s not as easy as it sounds. Asking questions is admitting that you don’t know the answers. But here’s a newsflash…neither does anyone else.
Because we’re all different. And what works for one may not work for many.
But what if I told you that mastering the art of sex is just like learning how to swim?
You have an expert coach and mentor on deck. That’s your partner. You can ask your coach any question about swimming because they are the SME (subject matter expert). After hearing the lesson, you dip a toe in the pool. Try treading water. You learn the dog paddle. Maybe you make a few mistakes along the way. But you keep asking questions. And before you know it, you’ve entered a swim meet, you’re doing the butterfly and your coach is loudly cheering you on as you expertly cross the finish line wet, glistening and out of breath.
And, regardless of who is the coach and who is the student, you both have an important role to play. You are equally responsible for achieving a positive outcome. And you should both practice playing each role.
As the student, you must let go of your ego and embrace your fears. Accept that you don’t know how to swim and listen to your coach. Otherwise, your EGO will get the best of you and you’ll either avoid swimming altogether or you’ll jump right into the deep end and look like a flailing, sputtering, drowned rat. Once you’ve truly embraced that you don’t know what you’re doing because every body is different, you’re ready for your first lesson. It starts with an ask. What do you like? What feels good? How would you like me to do that?
Ask. Listen. Practice. Repeat.
Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.
And as the coach, you are responsible for designing the lesson plan (like a desire map) and communicating it in an honest and loving way. You could provide feedback like “I love it when you…”, or “I appreciate that you do……………. but it just isn’t for me”, or “I was reading about…”.
Create safe space
Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.
The sooner we can embrace that we don’t know what we’re doing, the sooner we will become better lovers, better partners and better friends.
And in the words of one of my favorite authors, Esther Perel, consider this… “The myth that sex is natural has done harm to so many people because it presumes that you should just know rather than the fact that it is something that we learn to appreciate…to experience…we cultivate it. It’s an art. And if we think it should just happen naturally…then we remain ignorant.” ~ Perel, Esther “I’ve had better” Where Should We Begin (podcast) https://www.estherperel.com/podcast
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