My new Favourite book on Ethical Non-Monogamy. I love how the author explores ENM through Attachment Theory. #polyamory #ethicalnonmonogamy
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An Ontario Court has ruled that a man who had unprotected sex after agreeing to wear a condom committed sexual assault because his behaviour invalidated his sexual partner’s consent.
This is a win for Canada and a win for consent culture!
Sex is a leading reason why relationships fail.
Because you don’t know what you’re doing.
But why would you?
Did you take a course? Did you join a program? Do you have a master’s degree in sexuality? If you’re like most, probably not. And even if you did, no amount of formal training would negate the fundamental truth that every body is completely different.
The only way to truly master the art of sex is to set aside your ego, clear the slate and communicate openly with your partner.
- Ask questions.
- Listen Intently without Ego.
But that’s not as easy as it sounds. Asking questions is admitting that you don’t know the answers. But here’s a newsflash…neither does anyone else.
Because we’re all different. And what works for one may not work for many.
But what if I told you that mastering the art of sex is just like learning how to swim?
You have an expert coach and mentor on deck. That’s your partner. You can ask your coach any question about swimming because they are the SME (subject matter expert). After hearing the lesson, you dip a toe in the pool. Try treading water. You learn the dog paddle. Maybe you make a few mistakes along the way. But you keep asking questions. And before you know it, you’ve entered a swim meet, you’re doing the butterfly and your coach is loudly cheering you on as you expertly cross the finish line wet, glistening and out of breath.
And, regardless of who is the coach and who is the student, you both have an important role to play. You are equally responsible for achieving a positive outcome. And you should both practice playing each role.
As the student, you must let go of your ego and embrace your fears. Accept that you don’t know how to swim and listen to your coach. Otherwise, your EGO will get the best of you and you’ll either avoid swimming altogether or you’ll jump right into the deep end and look like a flailing, sputtering, drowned rat. Once you’ve truly embraced that you don’t know what you’re doing because every body is different, you’re ready for your first lesson. It starts with an ask. What do you like? What feels good? How would you like me to do that?
Ask. Listen. Practice. Repeat.
Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.
And as the coach, you are responsible for designing the lesson plan (like a desire map) and communicating it in an honest and loving way. You could provide feedback like “I love it when you…”, or “I appreciate that you do……………. but it just isn’t for me”, or “I was reading about…”.
Create safe space
Don’t judge. Don’t criticize.
The sooner we can embrace that we don’t know what we’re doing, the sooner we will become better lovers, better partners and better friends.
And in the words of one of my favorite authors, Esther Perel, consider this… “The myth that sex is natural has done harm to so many people because it presumes that you should just know rather than the fact that it is something that we learn to appreciate…to experience…we cultivate it. It’s an art. And if we think it should just happen naturally…then we remain ignorant.” ~ Perel, Esther “I’ve had better” Where Should We Begin (podcast) https://www.estherperel.com/podcast
This makes me so proud to be Canadian…Gushing!
Tonight, while watching the National News, I almost fell off my chair when they featured a segment exploring the legal rights of consenting adults in polyamorous relationships. The segment acknowledged that “at some point we’re going to have a charter challenge much like we saw in 2003 with same-sex marriage.”
This alone is cause for celebration. You know times are changing and attitudes are changing too when one of Canada’s most respected national news programs presents a segment on the legal rights of polyamorous adults in a non-sensationalized, insightful manner.
The time for a utopian future that positively acknowledges relationships beyond monogamy is nigh!
For the full article, visit: http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/polyamorous-families-legal-challenges-1.3758621
Many of my friends think it takes a lot of courage to attend lifestyle events either at a house party or a club dedicated to open minded people. When I tell them about taking an entire trip at a lifestyle resort, the shock, horror and disbelief is tangible. Think about it… going to a bar where you can have sex is a big step for many but at least, it is close to home and you can escape if it is too much for you or you can suffer through it for a few hours until it’s done if this is really not for you. On the other hand, planning, packing, flying and spending thousands of dollars for being immersed in the culture for an entire week… that’s something else all together.
My partner and I have been to Hedonism three times so far. To tell you the truth, these are our best vacations. Not because of the sex, simply because of the freedom to be who you are and do what you want. Vanilla people visualize a resort where there is a constant orgy and you can’t distinguish who is touching who. Obviously the reality is far from that. You have a choice between prude or nude areas. Even if you choose the nude pool, doesn’t mean you will sex with anyone. Mingling is a bit closer and friendlier for sure but everyone is respectful and no one is at risk of doing things they don’t want. Most people get to know one another and if there is a good connection, they usually take their new friends to their rooms or to a more private area. If jumping in the middle of a pile of naked bodies is your activity of choice, there are plenty of opportunities usually later at night if you know where to look. If you decide to go to Hedonism, choose your week wisely. Different groups attend at various times of the year. Try and find a group who is similar in age and demographics as you. This will certainly improve your level of enjoyment.
Even though you don’t go there for the food, meals were always good with a great selection. The resort is under new management and they are renovating and upgrading every year. It is a slow process but the facelift is evident. As someone who loves to dance, I am quite partial to the entertainers and I fell in love with many gorgeous female dancers who twerked their way into my heart. I was ass hypnotized to say the least! Every night has a different theme and the more you dress the part and participate, the more fun you will have. When we went the themes were hat and heels, glow party, foam night at the disco, character night, fetish, party like a rock star and toga party. Our suitcases were filled with costumes. Very little clothes were worn as we were naked the rest of the trip. Always fun to explain if they choose to search your luggage!
Coming back to reality is always difficult. These are the hardest vacations to come back from. We are already talking about when we can get back there. Until then, we are lucky that we have a place like Eden which is very similar to Hedonism. Love the freedom and playfulness of our theme night events where we go meet old friends and make new ones 😉
Pillow Talk with Dr Renee