Ask Eve

My wife is a closet lesbian, we haven\’t slept together in 15 years.  Any hope of some change?

Dear Anonymous…
If you truly love each other, there is always hope, but perhaps not in exactly the way you may be thinking.   As couples and relationships evolve over time, they sometimes discover that their sexual needs and preferences change, or they discover new preferences that they didn’t even know they had.   Unfortunately, these new found desires are not always a perfect match to their partner’s and can often lead to resentment, guilt and even infidelity in the relationship.   But there is another option…
It sounds as though you love your wife very much.  But after 15 years of waiting, your own sexual needs and desires are starting to take precedence.
Rather than spending another 15 years hoping your wife will suddenly switch teams, have you considered the possibility of “an open marriage”?  Given your unique sexual preferences, an open marriage could be the solution that allows you both to continue in a very loving and supportive relationship while no longer suppressing your individual sexual desires.
Many loving couples have flourished in this type of relationship by talking openly about their needs and desires in a non-personal/non-blaming manner.  This format often works for couples where sexual desires are at completely opposite ends of the spectrum, where sexual preferences are highly unique or incompatible with their partner’s (which is not uncommon), or even where performance issues are brought on by health and medical issues.
Given the unique sexual preferences that have surfaced within your relationship, this may be a solution worth exploring further.
The topic of “open relationships” can be complicated so be sure to check out the book “Opening Up – A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships” by Tristan Taormino for a deeper insight.

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