How to Swing – Part II
Now that you know a little bit of the history on Swingers, let’s explore how you can get started and help to determine if your relationship is ready for swinging, “the Lifestyle” or multi-partner play.
The key to a successful multi-partner play relationship is COMMUNICATION – communication with “self”, communication with your partner and communication with a playmates.
Communicating with “yourself”
- Take control of your own sexual journey
Communicating with “self” doesn’t mean engaging in long winded monologues or developing a split personality. Communicating with “self” means soul searching, being in tune with your feelings, understanding your boundaries and taking control over your own sexual journey. Your sexual satisfaction is your own responsibility, not that of your partner’s. In order to effectively move forward on your journey, you need to continually ask yourself “why” or “why not” with regards to your openness to engage in a new sexual experience. Many of us respond to sexuality based on societal norms and learned behavior. This means that because we were taught that non-monogamous relationships are unacceptable, we simply react with an empahatic NO when faced with an opportunity to explore. Next time a new experience or learning opportunity presents itself, instead of reacting, ask yourself why you are saying no and continue asking until you get down to the crux of the issue. Only then can you make an insightful decision regarding the next step of your sexual journey.
Be confident. Practice so it becomes natural. Once something becomes natural, you will have confidence in doing it. Once you have confidence in yourself, others will have confidence in you. When others have confidence in you, they are more likely to think of you favorably. And for the ladies, this confidence and environment will be more empowering than you ever thought possible.
Communicating with Your Partner
- Ensure your partner feels like #1
If you want your partner to be open to multi-partner play, then there must be no doubt in their mind that they are #1 in your world now and always. It starts with reminding your partner everyday how much you appreciate them, how much you love them and how much they mean to you. It continues with checking in with your partner. Go at the “pace of the slowest hiker”. If one partner is going to quickly, slow down and wait for them to catch up. If they are always the one playing catch up, they will lose interest very quickly and may never want to go “hiking” again. And, your “Lifestyle” relationship will thrive if you always remember that this is about the two of you – nobody else. Anyone else you bring into your relationship is simply a prop in your own personal fantasy. This is about fulfilling your fantasies as a couple.
- Instill trust and remove barriers.
Over time, we sometimes have a tendency to react emotionally, and personally to the idea of fantasy. The more times we experience this type of reaction, the less apt we are to share our fantasies in the future. The person you most love wants nothing more that to tell you their innermost secrets and to share their deepest desires. Make an agreement that you will always be open to listening to each other without consequence. Always react positively, and consider the possibility, even if you aren’t ready to explore that fantasy at this time (or ever). But, being open to discussing your fantasy may at least lead you to explore other exciting and fulfilling experiences together.
- Set ground rules
Setting the ground rules can be complicated. There are so many possible fantasy scenarios to consider and talk about. To help you with this part of the communication process, consider completing a Swingers/Multi-Partner play check-list.; We have provided a sample here to help get you on the right path.
Communicating with your Fantasy Play Partners
- Conversation Etiquette
Knowing how to start a conversation with a couple you don’t know in a non-sexual environment will go a long way to meeting couples when you go to swing clubs and events. First of all, if you are a single man who is practicing meeting couples on the street, you will almost automatically talk to the man and build some kind of rapport with him. If you are a single woman, you will most likely start by talking to the woman. If you do this enough, when you are seeking out a multi-partner play experience you will automatically fall into that mode. By approaching the same sex member of a couple and talking to them instead of approaching the opposite sex partner will go a long way making the couple comfortable with you. Once you get to the joking and flirting part of the conversation, THEY will be the ones asking you to join them, not you asking if you can join them.
- Saying “no”
Generally, swingers tend to be quite courteous and respectful. Remember that everyone at the party has different fantasies and also ideas about what works for them. If you have met someone, but do not make a connection, remember to be true to yourself and honest with the couple approaching you, but ALWAYS be tactful and courteous and NEVER make derogatory remarks. Conversely, if someone says no to you, take it graciously and move on to another person.