Jealousy – Slaying the Green Eyed Monster
Have you ever felt that pang of jealousy over the cute waiter at the restaurant who seems to be “flirting” with your partner? Have you ever found yourself fuming at a request from hubby to go to the peeler bar for a night out with the boys? Or, do you ever wish that just once, your partner would get off the internet and spend some time with you?
If so, then you’re like millions of other Canadians who have come face to face with the big Green Eyed Monster – JEALOUSY! Jealousy typically rears its ugly head when it finds a gap in your personal armour. It finds your weakness and takes control of your emotions.
But alas, you have the power to take control back and even slay the monster…with the right weapons! If you find yourself being overcome by jealousy, you need to get past the volatile emotions at the surface and dig deep to understand the root cause of your anger and hurt.
For example, it may be possible that you’re feeling jealous over your partner’s harmless flirting because he or she never shamelessly flirts with you anymore. Or perhaps, you don’t want your partner to watch exotic dancers because you perceive that to mean your partner finds them more attractive or more appealing than you when in truth that thought never crossed his mind. Or maybe you want your partner to get off the internet because you just want to spend more time together. So in truth, jealousy is not about the other person or object of your partner’s interest. It’s actually a sign that you just need a little more of your partner’s time, love, desire, attention, shameless flirting, or otherwise.
When you take control of jealousy by understanding the root cause, you can communicate your needs to your partner rationally. For instance, when jealousy takes over, you might be inclined to demand that your partner not go and watch strippers and your partner may react by saying “you’re just trying to control me”. But when you’re in control and understand the root cause, you may be more inclined to tell your partner that it hurts your feelings when he goes to watch strippers because you feel he doesn’t find you attractive anymore, and that it would help you feel more sexy and confident if he could express his desire for you more openly.
In the second statement, you have something tangible that you both can work with. The real issue is not about your partner going to see strippers, but is in fact that you are feeling less attractive to your partner. So what can you both do to resolve the true issue? Perhaps you can put on your own sexy little strip tease at home while your partner watches, all the while showering you with attention and telling you how sexy you are. Or simply having your partner tell you daily how hot you are and what they find attractive about you will help to rebuild confidence.
Over time, as you become more confident from the extra attention, there’s a very good chance that you’ll be more comfortable with your partner going to watch exotic dancers. In fact, you may even want to go with him. Because you’ll know with certainty that your partner finds you attractive in every way and you’re not going to lose him to a 10 minute piece of eye candy on stage.
Whatever you do, it will be critical that you both work together. If you’re the one feeling jealous, you are responsible for understanding the root cause and effectively communicating it to your partner in a manner that is tangible and does not lay blame. If you are the partner, you will need to be open to listening, and may need to overemphasize the positive statements and actions as an investment in your partner’s confidence. And both of you together are responsible for coming up with fun and creative solutions.
But remember, the green eyed monster is always lurking. The amount of time it takes to build up your arsenal will depend on how long you’ve been feeling this way, how much resentment has built up and what caused the feelings to begin with. Just remember to communicate openly, honestly and always in the positive to slay the green eyed monster and overcome jealousy once and for all.
Eve is the founder of Sugar, Spice and Sex Advice and the co-founder of Club Eden – A Fantasy Club for Couples. She is a professionally trained communicator with over 14 years experience managing sensitive issues for major national clients and has spent the past three years focusing on the realm of couples and relationships. She is dedicated to helping couples achieve healthy, happy, sexually satisfying relationships through effective communication, education and sexploration.
***Sugar, Spice and Sex Advice proudly supported by Club Eden – A Fantasy Club for Couples***