Tag Archives: Open Relationships

Polyamory, Swinging and Open Relationships. What’s the Difference?

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Polyamory, Swinging and Open Relationships are all forms of Ethical Non-Monogamy. This is also known as ENM or CNM for ethical/consensual non-monogamy.

All parties involved are aware of and consent to their partner(s) engaging in romantic, sexual or emotional connections outside of their relationship. This is what what makes ENM different from cheating.

Think of ENM as the umbrella term for all forms of non-monogamy practiced by consent. It does not always mean “sex” outside the relationship. You can have a romantic or emotional bond, sexual bond or a combination.

Polyamory Swinging and Open Relationships. What's the Difference?
Most common categories of Ethical Non-Monogamy

To explain this, there are three major sub-categories that are most commonly referenced:

  • Open Relationships;
  • Swinging; and
  • Polyamory or Poly for short.

So, what’s the difference?

Open Relationships

Polyamory Swinging and Open Relationships. What's the Difference?

Open Relationships typically involve a sexual component. Partners in a committed marriage or relationship agree that they are open to engaging in sex outside the relationship. Generally, this does not involve the forming of romantic or emotional bonds that are inherent in Poly. And, unlike Swinging, partners may have sex (commonly referred to as “play”) separate and apart from the other committed partner(s).

Swinging

Polyamory Swinging and Open Relationships. What's the Difference?

In Swinging, couples (or partners in committed relationships) engage in casual sex but only when together. They are not looking to form emotional bonds outside of their committed relationship. “Play” could be as casual as kissing and fondling, soft swapping which involves heavy petting up to and including oral sex or might “go all the way” to involve full penetration.

Polyamory

Polyamory Swinging and Open Relationships. What's the Difference?

Polyamory is the practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual, loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. What sets Poly apart from swinging and open relationships is the ability to form emotional bonds. Poly relationships may or may not involve sex and may or may not involve playing apart from others in the committed relationship(s). Poly relationships come in many different forms and autonomy of person is held in high regard.

If you’re contemplating polyamory, swinging and open relationships, remember that every ENM relationship is negotiable. Each of the three dynamics above are interchangeable depending on the partner(s), situation, timing and more. What works in one relationship may not work in another. Or perhaps, you just need to take a break. Sometimes timing is off due to life circumstances. Just remember, whichever style you choose (or don’t), you have the right to change your mind on what works for you. And, making safe space for compassionate communication is key.

Looking to connect with others across Canada that are ethically non-monogamous? We recommend Club Eden.

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Getting Consent in a Sex Positive Environment

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consentToday, I attended a Consent Workshop by The Consent Crew. There were some interesting discussions amongst the attendees and organizers about some great topics.  I want to reiterate some of the points that I feel are most relevant based on my experiences over the past two decades.

IT’S OK TO SAY NO

How many of you are guilty of trying to giggle your way out of an uncomfortable situation just to be polite?  And how many of you have compromised your own boundaries just to wake up the next morning filled with regret?  Western cultural values have taught us to be excessively polite, but that shouldn’t be at the cost of your own personal boundaries.  If somebody is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to say no.  And, although you don’t have to justify your reason for saying no, saying it in a way that is polite and respectful will go a long way towards diffusing what could become a confrontational situation over hurt feelings.  Here are some of my favourite ways to say no:

  • No thank you (smile on face).
  • Thanks for offering but not at this time.
  • I’m not into that, but thanks anyway.
  • You seem like a great person but I’m not interested. Thanks anyway.

 

IT’S OK TO HEAR NO

When you hear no, you may feel hurt, rejected and generally bad.  Why?  Because our culture has taught us that “no” is a bad word when in reality, “no” is just somebody’s way of expressing their own personal boundaries.  Usually, the no you are hearing has very little to do with you and everything to do with the person saying it.  Perhaps they are there for a different reason than you.  Maybe the timing is just off.  Or, it could be as simple as they like blonds, and you’re a brunette.  Whatever the reason, remind yourself…“getting a no is no big deal”.   Here are some of my favorite ways to respond gracefully to “no”:

  • I’m not hearing a clear yes so I’ll take that as a no.
  • No problem.
  • Thanks for letting me know. I appreciating knowing your boundary.
  • Thanks anyway.

 

GET CONSENT

Obvious right?  Easier said than done.  Consent is complicated.  Often, expectations surrounding consent are firmly rooted in cultural values, gender values, family values, or even the environment we are in at the time.  At Club Eden, the expectations are framed by the use of signage, marketing, and agreements.  This is a great foundation for consent.  But even with all of this, there is still room for interpretation based on an individual’s unique perspective formed over the course of a lifetime.  This is why it is also important to say no when you feel like your personal boundaries are being compromised.  In my experience, most people want to do the right thing and DON’T want to maliciously or deliberately compromise your boundaries.  They just don’t realize they are doing it.   Here is one of my favorite personal stories to reflect how cultural expectations can create a misalignment between boundaries:

While working in an office environment, one of the long term vendors and friends of the owner approached me saying “it’s nice to finally meet you”.  He then stepped in and gave me a hug and then a kiss on my left and right cheek.   My background is British and back then, I was a bit of a cold fish.  His background is South American and to not step in with a light hug and kiss on the cheeks would be considered an insult.  He didn’t get my consent but conversely, because of his cultural values, he didn’t think he had to.   This illustrates a great example of how easily consent boundaries can be accidentally crossed.

When at Eden, remember these four points to help you navigate consent:

  1. Play within the rules of the framework provided (signs, agreements, marketing messages).
  2. Politely say no when your boundaries are being crossed;
  3. Politely hear/accept no when somebody tells you.
  4. If your no is not being heard, then it’s ok to find the organizer or one of the staff to help you diffuse the situation.

When attending other sex positive events remember to familiarize yourself with their unique framework.

I hope this article helps you find your voice for consent.  Play safe, have fun and respect your own boundaries and the boundaries of others.

Eve, Founder of Club Eden and Co-author of Sex Get Over It